Good times. Bad times.

First the good.
I was roped into the Knobs show Saturday night and an after the show party early Sunday morning. I’ll admit I had a good time Saturday night, kind of hard when mixed drinks are $2.50 piece. These images show us a new installment: midget’s-eye-view. WARNING For those of you who are squeamish, skip over picture number 8, that’s the one after a midget’s eye view of me. Unless of course you don’t mind looking at puke.

Now the bad.
From time to time, I help my friends move. This weekend it was time to help Golden Boy (Chris) move out of this parents’ suburban Delaware home and into to his very own house in Philadelphia. How will Philly ever survive? How did I? This was one of those time I kept saying to myself (and now the world wide web) “What they hell was I thinking?”
Before you go to the images, please take some time to read the following Top 10 things to do before your buddy comes over to help you move.

10. Make sure you have a vehicle to take you from point A to point B. In case you are unable to get the truck, have the courtesy to call the people you told the move would start in the morning. That way they’re not wasting their morning waiting for you.
9. When a buddy gives up his day to help you move, you should be packed.
8. Don’t waste your buddy’s time by scanning through several months’ worth of Sports Illustrated to see which ones you want to keep.
7.Do not, I repeat DO NOT, stop in the middle of the move to put air in your mountain bike’s tires.
6. When the guy, who for some reason gives up a second day to help you move, returns to help you BE F***K’N PACKED!!!!!!!!!! How hard is that?
5. Oh, and don’t waste the guy’s time by wanting to chit chat when he is clearly annoyed that for the second day in a row your not packed.
4. Don’t surprise the movers by telling them that you need to go to Kmart and Value City to buy a futon and dresser, especially after you’ve already loaded the U-Haul.
3. Don’t take the yellow light and keep going when people are following you to a house they’ve never been too.
2. When people tell you the U-Haul truck is too big to drive down your narrow street you live on, believe them. Don’t snap back at them: “The garbage truck makes it,” because you really don’t know how big the garbage truck is dumb-ass.
1. Chris, don’t ever ask Esteban to help you move. Ever.

Comments

[Chris]

Thank you, Esteban, for being such a chipper pal and selflessly lending a hand.

Omitted from Mr. Friendly's account was one silly little detail: Uhaul (which Mr. Parra had strongly urged me to use for the move) utterly screwed me over. Yes, sir, we'll contact you again by 5 p.m. Friday with the precise time and location for you to retrieve your truck. Oh, sir, sorry for not calling you by 5:30 p.m. Friday, but we're still working on it. Good morning. Thank you for calling us at 8 a.m. on the day of your move -- by which time we vowed (upon taking your credit card information) that you'd have a truck. Still, we are sorry. We're still working on it. We'll call you.

So. Calls and calls and calls and trips to local Uhauls ensue. Competitors have nothing. Uhaul, you see, is doing me a favor by simply accepting my calls. They're doing all they can. You know, in 90 percent of the country, this system works great. (Actually said that.) Really? Well guess what? I'm not in that 90 percent. Additionally, I don't care about your other customers' problems or lack thereof; I just want a fucking truck.

Yes, a truck became available by 4 p.m. No, it was not for lack of planning. Yes, Esteban feels none of this warrants inclusion in his wacky tale of the out-of-touch Goldenboy's move.

Ten things to remember when making a move:

10. Never use Uhaul.
09. Never fucking use Uhaul.
08. Hey. You hear me? Don't do it.
07. Esteban will offer, the instant he hears of your move, to assist. But he'll snap and bark and yell and complain the entire time.
06. Everything is your fault. Everything.
05. Esteban can't come in at 10 a.m. because he has to work out at the gym. Before moving furniture and boxes. Because that doesn't use muscles.
04. Oops. Esteban didn't go to the gym. But he still won't arrive until 11:45. If you feel like bitching, do it -- any attempts at civility and gratitude will only be met by a whining online display that make Esteban a martyr.
03. Try not to introduce Esteban to your mother. When she asks him not to leave you on the side of the interstate, he'll tell her he'd be doing everyone a favor. He will not smile or laugh when he says this. Your mother will think, "Oh, that's funny!" Then she will get worried that he is not kidding. Which, in all likelihood, is the case.
02. Make sure that everything happens perfectly. If it does not, Esteban, being the rough-and-tumble muscleman that he is, will take the time to move 25 feet away from the scene and take a dozen digital photographs. Because, after all, he has a vast audience. And isn't that what offering to help a friend move is really about?
01. Esteban, who cannot hold an eighth of a conversation without insulting you 24 times, will be the first (and only) friend to offer to help you move. Politely decline his assistance. You will not have a moment to forget that he's providing a tremendous favor. (He was supposed to be raking his leaves, you know!)

Jesus. My pal here neglected to mention that I told him before picking up the Uhaul on Saturday that I was fine with him going about his business -- the screw-up was beyond my control, and, of course, his. I completely expected him to have other things to do. Thanks anyway, I said, but I can't ask you to come out and help me now.

No no no! I'll be there. (Goddammit!) And I'll bitch and moan and you'll nevereverevereverever forget for a moment -- for a moment! -- that I'm such a generous fellow and you're lucky to accept my insults at every turn.

Y'all ready to toss in your own clever banter? And ... begin!

[diane]

While I thorougly enjoyed every bit of the two sides of this story, I've decided to take Esteban's side in this dispute. He was one of the MVPs of my move from Trolley Square to North Chillmington a few years ago. And I was completely prepared and packed before he arrived. It was a smooth and efficient move, and EP specialized in heavy hauling. Golden Boy sounds like a total ingrate to me. Though his writing is pretty funny. I'll give him that.

[Ryan]

Wow. I must be Karnac because this is exactly what I envisioned. That is why I was at home butning 50 CDs this weekend.

Golden Boy -- you did not refute any of Esteban's core gripes about not being packed, putting air in tires, going through old magazines and making stops at stores. I will therefore believe them to be true and join with Diane in taking sides with Esteban.

Although, Mugsy got screwed over by U-Haul this weekend as well, so the truck part truly is someone else's fuck-up.

[Esteban]

Yes, you are correct. I showed up at 11:45 a.m. on Sunday after saying I would be there at 11 a.m. Yet, you were still packing clothing. What’s up with that?
And as for taking pictures. What else could I do? You were set on driving the truck down the narrow street, which we all told you was too narrow for the truck.

[catherine]

you two guys need to go have butt sex right now. clearly you are in love.

[Ryan]

Uh oh. The butt sex comments have begun...

[Esteban]

Butt sex? You mean do him in the ass? Hey Cat, how come girls don't like that? Do you?

[Ryan]

Yeah Cat. Do you?

[diane]

i have one more comment about U-haul. my sister and her fiance, another news journal employee, moved into their new home a few months ago, and the U-haul shit was a total disaster. they didn't have a truck, blah blah blah, we eventually drove to newark to pick one up, about 3-4 hours later than planned. i agree that U-haul is for the birds. let's put them out of bidness.

that's all.

[Tad]

Good Lord. E, can I call you "E," you've known Geebs for some time now. Why didn't you think this was going to happen? Geebs, I will call you Geebs, you've known E for some time now as well. When did you think he was going to stop snapping at you?

You are both at fault.

Just admit you don't like each other.

You don't have to play nice for Ryan's sake.

Geez.

[Ryan]

Thanks Dr. Phil.

[catherine]

next time don't be cheap rednecks and HIRE MOVERS. they do it all for you! it's like...genius!

[randi]

golden boy is bickering that it's uhaul's fault, yet uhaul didn't make him stop and put air in his tires, uhaul didn't make him riffle through old magazines. uhaul didn't make him stop to buy more furniture en route to his new home. uhaul merely provided the truck, which he then decided to take down a too-narrow street. sorry, geebs, you can take it to judge judy, but i say esteban wins. and he HAD to take pictures. how else would we all be privy to such hilarity?

[betsy]

i think we all need to sit back and appreciate how lucky y'all are. in china, there are no uhauls. if you want to move, it is up to you to find and rent your own donkey. (that is no easy feat, believe you me.) at least you have the modern convenience of WHEELS. if not, you would still probably be moving all that crap.

ahem. thank you.

[Ryan]

You rent your own ass? You can have mine for free.

Heh heh. Take my wife, please.